Subway thugs, watch out!
Last month (April 23, in fact) while I was hacking my way through my God of War three-game marathon, I suddenly realized that Kratos’ Blades of Exile/Athena/Chaos would make an awesome keychain. I mean, think about it–a famous gamer blade and it has a chain on it, to boot! Since I’m a little old, I try to keep my swag to a tasteful minimum, and a distinct keychain seemed like the best way to show my gamer pride. As you’ll see below, I already have a Mario keychain, but it’s just for old times’ sake. I wanted something that would show my gaming interests now.
Immediately after, I jumped on the Internet and found that people had, in fact, thought of the idea, but every available item could only be bought from China via eBay. (It was worth a shot–I once got lucky by being the person to come up with the idea for the popular Dalaran University T-shirt, for which I got paid, too.) Best of all, the item only cost $4.00, so I promptly ordered it, expecting it to arrive within a couple of days.
While I waited, I played Borderlands in its entirety along with a good chunk of Killzone 2, Heavy Rain, and Heavenly Sword; and I completed a couple of platinums. And then, of course, Red Dead Redemption came along and my copy of Super Street Fighter IV arrived from GameFly. The snow retreated and leaves reappeared on the trees. The weather got warmer and the crime rate went up. In short, all thought of Kratos was slowly slipping from my mind. My Chinese contact said that it had been sent back in April, but that it must have been held up in customs.
When I arrived at my work mailbox this morning, I found the little package that I’d been waiting on for so many weeks, and when I ripped it open, it was easy to see *why* my order may have been held up in customs. Simply put, this keychain is BIG.
I was honestly expecting something that would be about the size of my keys–something small and comparatively inconspicuous that could easily fit in my pocket. From the pommel to the tip of the blade, though, the Keychain of Chaos is a full four inches long. That’s longer than my middle finger. Also, it’s heavy. I have eight keys and a passchip on my keyring, and the blade feels like it’s at least twice the weight of all of that. If I put it in my pocket, I can see the outline of the blade against my jeans. Swinging it around on the chain is a fun way to see how well the physics of the blade work in real life.
Here’s the topper: when I took it out of the package, I cut myself on the blade’s edges. Yes, it’s that sharp. It’s to the point where I’m almost afraid to put it in my bag because I’ll probably cut myself while digging around for my keys. The line of the blade is fine (although I’m sure it could be easily sharpened), but the jagged edges are something nasty. To demonstrate, I softly and quickly swiped a piece of paper on my desk with the sword, and with virtually no effort at all it ripped a couple of holes in it on the first swoop.
In a nutshell, this is a real weapon. Holding the hilt with my thumb and index finger, I can get as good of a grip on it as I could with any pocketknife. The next time some West Sider tries to give me hell on the train, I’ll be tempted to whip this little monster out of my bag and go Kratos on his ass. The next time I’m at a steakhouse and the waiter forgets to bring me a steak knife? No worries, I’ll just pull out my blade and work a few combos.
One thing’s for certain–I won’t be able to take this on my trip to France next week. They’ll almost certainly confiscate it and call me a terrorist. Tant pis, n’est-ce pas?