They say you never forget how to ride a bike, but you couldn’t tell it from my first few minutes with the iOS port of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Rival gang members were on my tail, my friends were speeding down highways and alleys on bikes of their own, and even the cops were hunting me down for firing off a stolen Uzi. And what did I do during this madness? Why, I played bumper cars with brick walls and tested how well I could endure the force of trucks hitting me at full speed. Carl Johnson, the hero of our story, knew that coming back home to Los Santos for his mother’s funeral would be rough, but I doubt he ever thought that fiddly touchscreen controls were the true reason why he was so out of touch.